Hello, everyone, and welcome to my little corner of the blogverse. I'm a late with this post and I am so sorry about that.
This week, we are talking about something that is near and dear to my heart: BDSM.
Why is it near and dear, you ask? I am a submissive.
You may be thinking, "Oh, that means she likes pain," or "she is weak and let's people control her," or "she want's someone to tell her what to do all of the time."
You'd be wrong on all counts.
Hold on and I'll explain.
Beyond some hair pulling, nipple clams, and a light flogging or spanking, I am not into pain. I have no desire for someone to whip me and I dread the cane with every cell of my body. BDSM is a spectrum; a sliding scale, if you will. Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism - BDSM - can involve any and/or all variations of each term. You may like bondage and that's it, or you may long to be a slave and give up all of your power to another person. That is okay too.
The main rule of BDSM is safe, sane and consensual. Which basically means whatever you and your partner agree to is perfectly acceptable within the realms of a safe environment. A good Dom will know when to push for more and when to back off, and will always - ALWAYS - have the safety of their Sub in mind, including their limits.
As for being weak and letting people control me - try to take my power away and see what happens. I am a strong, independent woman. I'm Sicilian which means that I have a temper - although I typically have a very long fuse - and come from a matriarchal culture. If someone were to try to walk all over me, tell me what to do without my permission, or control me without my consent - hee hee - let's just say that hands would be flying and I would not be responsible for the words spewed from my mouth. On the other hand, I have some Doms who are my friends. They care about me and I trust them, so when they go all Dom on me, I allow it and usually immediately submit. It is my gift to them for the care and trust we have formed. It's by no means required and I could easily tell them to stuff it, but I don't want to.
My power, my choice.
I am a natural submissive. I have a natural tendency toward service and people pleasing to the extreme. My mother used to tell me how I lost numerous friends from age four to age eight because I was constantly wanting acceptance and reassurance. But that wasn't the whole truth. I was always asking if they were okay; If they needed anything. If I could do anything for the them to make them happy. Were they still my friend.
In my child's mind, I didn't understand. I just wanted so badly to please them.
When my parents disciplined me, I would nearly always start crying before they spanked me. I remember numerous times where they would say, "I haven't even touched you yet." I was so upset that I disappointed them to the point where they felt the need to punish me that I was inconsolable. I also self-flagillate. Not literally, but in my head. I will obsess over my failings and if I hurt someone it will torture me for quite some time. I am not exaggerating when I say my eyes well just thinking about it.
It's not a need for perfection. It is a NEED to please, to serve, to make others happy. There is reason I love to help people and offer to beta and edit without recognition or pay. I get more out of it then people realize, just from the idea that I'm helping and making someone happy. It fulfills that need to please.
|Oh, God! I'm a freak!|
I've written about how I grew up in an extremely conservative Christian home. Sex was not even discussed other than to say that it was something one only did in the confines of marriage and it was a sin otherwise. So I thought I was just a needy freak and I tried to hide it and become "normal."
I discovered what I was from a Sean Michael book. THANK YOU, SEAN!!
Now, I had played before that discovery, without realizing it. I wanted to be held down, to be spanked, and to have my hair pulled. I wanted someone to take control in the bedroom and if they didn't, I didn't enjoy it. I couldn't ask for it though. I just followed along and hoped for the best. Remember, I had no clue BDSM even existed at that point. After those books, I researched, joined Fetlife and read everything I could get my hands on. I'm not talking about just Romance novels either. I read articles and searched for more.
It was a miracle. I wasn't a freak. There was an explanation for all of my internal struggles and I couldn't get enough. Now, I was lucky because I had an internal warning system where I knew when something was not quite right. Maybe it was just because I knew myself, and what I did and did NOT want, I don't know.
Here is where this becomes important. A lot of BDSM books have it all wrong.
What I love the most about BDSM is the trust and communication. With a good Dom and in a good D/s relationship, it's give and take. The Dom should be concentrating on the Sub, what makes them happy, what they need (even if it's not what they want). In the same way, the Sub should be concentrating on the Dom. They would discuss what works and what is just not happening. The Sub trusts the Dom to take care of them and not to go to far, and the Dom trusts the Sub to communicate both verbally and physically.
It's a circle and no one is left out or used.
I love that!
|Pretty rope work|
A lot of books focus on the physical aspects of BDSM. The bondage with whipping, or spanking, or whatever. The discipline is sometimes silly and sexual, even when both parties are upset and dealing with a very real issue.
There is so much more to it than that.
The bad BDSM books can be detrimental if someone like me gets a hold of them and doesn't do their research. They could very easily think abuse is normal, when it is not!! They also cast a stigma on the BDSM community and the lifestyle, which up until recently was just as closeted as homosexuals, because of those same stigmas.
It's important if you think you are a Dom or a Sub to do your research. Don't take everything you read as fact. And authors, please, if you don't know anything about the lifestyle, do your research or don't write it at all. I know it's popular right now, but you could do some real harm.
If you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer anything. You can comment here or PM me on Facebook. All of my information is on my website and if I don't know an answer, I will find it for you.
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Check out the other BDSM hop blog posts here and make sure to leave some comments, ask questions and discuss. That's the reason we are doing this after all.
Hugs and Spanks,